Greetings Lovely’s!
So…….I went to Marrakech. It assaulted me full on in the face. Here’s my top 10 tips:
1. If an old man offers your boyfriend 5 camels for you, bargain harder
I knew it would happen eventually. An old man yells to your boyfriend ‘Hey, you have a very nice wife! I will give you five camels for her’. Andrew told me that he could have got 10 if I wasn’t Australian. Bastard (but maybe true)
2. Hotels in Marrakech ‘could’ be haunted
We booked a somewhat ‘budget’ deal for this trip and as such our hotel was rather ‘rustic’ (by which I mean shite). It also had some interesting paintings on the wall including one of some gypsy women with black eyes which hung next to the bed. The first night in the hotel, I woke up convinced that my boyfriend was a complete stranger. Obviously concerned as to why I was in a hotel room with a total stranger, I got out of the bed and slept on another bed on the other side of the room!
Our second day in the hotel, it became evident that at 5am every morning there is a load of shouting out in the street. Who knows why. As such, we got hold of some gummy earplugs. The next morning I woke up and my ear plugs were not in my ears. I couldn’t find them in the bed. Then I saw them stuck to the weird painting of the gypsy women!!! WHOOOAHH!?
100% HAUNTED
3. A visit to the Hammam involves a woman rubbing your boobies
As a small respite from the chaos outside, I thought it would be relaxing to book us in for a traditional Hammam and massage. The Hammam part involved being put into a heated stone cabin where we were attacked with buckets of water and told ‘lay down!’, ‘roll over!’ as they scrubbed the very life out of us with mitts. We were then covered in a body and face mask and they left us there. We relaxed for 10 minutes, chatting, farting, singing etc. Then another 10 minutes. Then it started to get hotter. We started to get a little claustrophobic. Just as I was about to bust the fuck outta there, covered in brown muddy stuff, they came back in and threw more water on us, including a good wash down the pants!
After this we separated for the massage where the woman spent a significant amount of time massaging my boobs. Slightly awkward. They then took us to a chill out room where Andy was already waiting with a slightly petrified look on his face. ‘How was you massage?’, I asked. ‘It was with a man’ he said. ‘Was it good?’ I asked. ‘Well it was a bit weird when he rubbed my balls for about half an hour’ he said with a dead pan face’. ‘WHAT!?’ I shrieked.
He had me going for a good hour on that one.
4. Stay to the right in the souks or risk death
The souks are bloody intense. They fly through there on motorbikes without any regard for man, woman, child, donkey or monkey. I was nearly knocked down 17 times!
Here I am looking scared…………..
5. If a strange man asks you to have tea with his family - don’t!
We got accosted by a man in the street offering to take us somewhere ‘off the tourist track’ which is code for ‘I’m going to lead you somewhere really scary and you will never find your way back’ BTW. Aware of this type of thing we insisted that we didn’t want to go, meanwhile walking deeper and deeper into the labrynth of narrow streets. ‘Please come to my family’s house for some tea’ he insisted. ‘No thanks’, we said again, attempting to get past him. ‘Hey, you are rubbish tourists, you have viruses!’ This was actually quite scary.
6. If you have a shit hotel with a freezing cold pool that doesn’t get any sun, you can gate-crash at the Sofitel
After discovering that the pool at our hotel was situated at such an angle that you could only catch the sun for 0.7 seconds per day, we took our white butts over to the sprawling compound at the Sofitel in Hivernage where you can score a nice big day bed, towels, cocktails and an ace club sandwich! We booked that all on room 509. Sorry if that was you.
7. Taxi Drivers will take the piss…..A LOT!
We jumped in a cab on evening headed for a restaurant only to be driven further and further into the Medina. As we got deeper into the winding streets, the driver eventually pulled up, stopped and said ‘Restaurant is closed’. This was quite frankly shit news as I was busting for the loo and starving hungry. In addition, we were also lost and he was now asking for 150 dirhams which is WAY too much. After a 10 minute argument over the fare and the fact that the restaurant was shut, we eventually escaped and hunted for the nearest place for a pee. It was quite far.
8. Old men on bikes can become aggressive (although they are generally too weak to be dangerous)
After our escape from the mad taxi driver, an old man rode directly into Andy (albeit at a relatively slow pace). Still confused about what had just happened we continued to wander off into the distance. Meanwhile the old man proceeded to hit Andy in the back. When I say hit, I mean attempt to hit but really just drag is fist down his back very slowly.
9. Peppermint Tea with loads of sugar is amazing
Obsessed with it.
10. Don’t consume 2 bottles of red wine and miss your flight back
Our final afternoon in Marrakech we headed to a restaurant and sipped on a couple of glasses of red vino. Our flight left at 8.25pm. At 7.15 we were still in the restaurant. This was obviously a mistake. We made it to the airport at 7.45pm and the check-in desk was closed. A small argument ensued over the fact that the flight still hadn’t left and therefore we should be able to board. This was futile and someone fuelled by red wine. Thankfully our eager taxi driver came running into the terminal (knowing that us foolish tourists had missed our flight). He booked us a night in another hotel which turned out to be LOVELY and not haunted at all.
Have you been to Marrakech?
Were you kind of scared?
Is it true that Australian women are only worth 5 camels?
Saz’s Mazzakezza Recommendazza’s:
La Mamounia Hotel No we didn’t stay there. We’re not oil tycoons you know! We did go there for an early evening drink though which was very bloody lovely! Grab a spot out on the terrace bar and neck a Campari.
Le Tobsil Restaurant An amazing Moroccan restaurant serving up a five course feast! This place is hard to find so if you’re hunting around, getting lost and you hear a man in a cape with a lantern say ‘Le Tobsil’, follow him and ye shall eat like sultans!
Les Bains De Marrakech This was the Hammam and Spa we visited and got touched in strange and wonderful ways. It was actually very nice.
Villa Amira This was the hotel our taxi driver took us to on the last night which was lovely. Run by the nicest people and serve a breakfast including chocolate cake (do you need any more convincing!?). It’s a short cab ride out of the Medina but that’s not such a bad thing.
Love Saz xx
