Saz's Eurovision 2011 Round-Up - Live (kinda) from Düsseldorf!

Saz’s Eurovision 2011 Round-Up - Live (kinda) from Düsseldorf!

Guten abend Düsseldorf!

If you weren’t lucky enough to be knee-deep in Armenian brandy with a Spanish flag clutched in your sweaty palm last Saturday, don’t worry, I was and I is gonna fill you in on EVERY- TING!

My friends Matt and Helen host a VERY famous (Obama & Michelle were there) Eurovision party every (nearly) year. Everyone takes it in the spirit it should be taken where Eurovision is concerned - VERY FUCKING SERIOUSLY. There’s a pre-draw, countries are allocated and everyone must bring a dish and some booze from their countries.

I thought Bama and Mich could have made more effort with their outfits personally, but hey whatever (they also didn’t bring any of their own booze and Barack blocked the loo at one point)

The whole thing had got off to a bad start when I drew Israel and Slovakia, both of whom aren’t really massively famous for their alcohol (and both of whom didn’t actually make it through to the final!). Not one to let this tiny challenge stand in my way, I was fairly confident a trip to Gerry’s in Soho would resolve the matter as they have EVERY TYPE OF BOOZE KNOWN TO MAN, WOMAN and CHILD (don’t give booze to children - it’s illegal. Not even if you say it’s ‘Jesus Juice’ like MJ)

Have a look. Makes you feel ill.

‘Have you got anything from Slovakia?’ I asked the guy behind the counter. ‘You’re the 100th person to ask me that today, no we don’t’, he said. ‘How about Israeli liqueur?’ I asked. ‘Nope’ he said. Meanwhile the queue of six people behind me tapped their feet impatiently. Turns out Gerry wasn’t that fucking helpful after all, so I cut my losses and purchased a lovely bottle of French champage. It seemed like the only reasonable thing to do.

Armed with French champagne and a faux Israeli felafal dish I had cobbled together with some greek salad (not strictly Israeli), I was ready to do something WILD to a Eurotrance beat.

The party got off to great start and no one noticed the illegitimacy of my Eurovision goods. Crowded round the TV, ready to hurl food stuffs and abuse, everyone waited with baited breath for the competition to BEGIN!

One new addition for this year was the lyrics which were displayed on the screen during each act. This changed the Eurovision experience in a number of ways:

1. It became evident very quickly that most of these songs make absolotely no sense and in some cases were highly inappropriate (more of this in a mo!)

3. You have an unstoppable urge to sing along like at Karaoke, giving the impression you know all the words and love the choonz (good and bad).

4. It also quickly became evident that many songs contain around 40% lyrics and 50% ‘oohh, aaahh, deee, duuuum, naaah, naaah’s’ (the remaining 10% is saved for - dodgy choreography)

HIGHLIGHTS

Finland

First up was ‘Paradise Oskar’ from Finland. Only 19 years old and apparently wrote the song himself

After seeing the lyrics, some speculated on when exactly he wrote the song. When he was six, for example?

Peter is smart, he knows each European country by heart

He likes to sit under an apple tree on his yard

And wait for an apple to fall

When Peter is nine, his teacher tells him that this planet is dying
That someone needs to put an end to it all
And so when Peter comes home, he tells his mom:

I’m going out in the world to save our planet
And I ain’t coming back until she’s saved
I’ll walk my way to see the king and parliament
If they don’t help, I’ll do it by myself

I don’t wanna be…
Dadadam dadadam dadadada dadada…

Russia

An early crowd favourite was Alexey Vorobyov from Russia.

His song ‘Get You’ really got our attention………….

I choose my words like wise men do
And tonight I’ll get you right
I rule my world like great men do
And I fight, I fight for mine

And you look so good on the floor
Pull my mind in that dirty zone
If they watch, let them watch
Not losing you tonight

Oh oh… I’m coming to get you
Oh oh… I’m running, I’m coming for you
Oh oh… I’m gonna get you

I know you, you want me to

I lost my mind somewhere between
Your face and your perfect shape (what the fuck does this even mean!??)
I found a pleasure watching you having fun
Fooling around

Oh oh… I’m coming to get you
Oh oh… I’m running, I’m coming for you
Oh oh… I’m gonna get you
I know you, you want me to (Mega-creepy bit right here!!!)

If you really want to have fun tonight
Just scream!

Errr, yes thanks, Alex, I will scream actually because these are the words of a sexual predator who plans to do bad, BAD things. If someone sent me these words in a letter I believe I would be well within my rights to ask for Police protection.

You can watch the creepfest unfold here - including some highly questionable choreography: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XNi_-FQXUe8

Hungary

Questions were asked about the gender of Hungary’s entry. Either way, she was sure banging on a lot about her liiiiiiiife and her neeeeeeeeeeds.